This blog post was written by one of our young midwives. It's so insightful and beautifully written. May we all have a heavenly perspective today.
Katie began her midwifery training with us in Kona, served women in Togo, and is now settled into an apprenticeship in the States. To learn more about Katie go to: katieconnor.org and subscribe to her blog.
October 26, 2016
We've all had those moments in life where our innocence in one area or another is shattered.
I was around six years old when I first figured out I was bigger than other girls. Dressed as a mermaid in our small village primary school's parade, the father of one of my friends told my parents I couldn't ride on the small float he was pulling with his daughter and my other friend because I was too big.
I don't think I'd ever realized my size before then. My little heart broke that day. The older I got, the more aware of my size I became. Most of my memories about primary school in Scotland include some kind of teasing. "BFG (big friend giant)" "Jolly Green Giant" "wow you're huge" these comments shaped the way I saw myself. I knew my dad thought I was beautiful, but I was well aware that my peers did not.
Each of us has heartbreak in our past. Even with amazing, loving, Christian parents and families, we all have wounds because we are all imperfect and we hurt one another. Too often we learn to cope with these broken hearts in ways that are detrimental to us. In my case I sought out the attention of boys. I was convinced that if a boy loved my body, I would love my body then as well.
There's many directions I could take this story, and maybe I will explore some of those directions in future posts. But what I want to share today is how screwed up our perceptions can become based on people's cruel words. Through my teens and early 20s I would make jokes about how I was a fat kid. When I would, my mother would look at me in confusion and tell me that I wasn't. But I just assumed she was being a good mom and trying to make me feel better. Because of what people had said to me, I honestly believed I had been a big heavy kid growing up. Then one day, a few years ago, I came across this photo in my mother's office and my heart re-broke. I saw myself as an 11 year old for real for the first time. The reality is, I was NOT actually a heavy kid, I was just always (and still) very tall for my age. I say that not to brag but to show how screwed up my head had actually become. I keep this picture in my bible now, not as some kind of trophy but as a reminder not to let what others say about me, or how they treat me, define me. My identity is who my heavenly father tells me I am and because I have a relationship with Him, he whispers sweet encouragements meant directly for me, to me.
I have to fight hard and commit daily to quieting my heart and asking God "is there anywhere in my heart, where I am believing something about myself, or about you, that is not true." Too often we let our circumstances, or our self-perception alter our theology. If I feel lonely, God must be far. If my prayers remain unanswered, God must not be listening, or He may just not care. I'm single, without the husband/wife or kids I desire, so God must not be completely good, He must be holding out on me. Yet none of these things are true!
The only identity that matters in this world is the one that God speaks over and into us. But if we are listening to the world, we will end up with a warped perception like the little girl who believed she was fat and hideous. It is NOT easy to drown out the world's voice, to do so we have to commit to training our hearts to be still and quiet and asking God to speak to us, and make sure we are realigning our hears with the truth of His beautiful scripture.
You are loved beyond your imagining by your heavenly daddy, it's not about what you do, it's simply about who you are, who He created you to be. You bring Him glory, simply by being you.